A Letter to my Husband
I am on my flight back home or should I say to a place where I was born and raised? I never know exactly what to call home, even though I've lived in the states now much longer than in Slovenia where I was born.
On my flight, I am by myself. By myself, but not alone. You are with me all the time. I think of you and I talk to you in my mind all the time. Whenever I leave, I realize even more how much I truly love you. It is not just loving out of a habit of being together. It is love that permeates every fiber of my body. I am allowing myself to realize and recognize what we are facing, what the future reality beholds for us. You must be scared, I am scared for you. I am scared for both of us. I have been in denial. It's not possible that you, my big, strong, beautiful man can have this. This fucking ... Parkinson's. There, now I've said it. You have Parkinson's. Now it's real for me. I have cancer, you have Parkinson's. Quite a pair we are! Why and how is all this happening to us? What is there in the future for us? How long do we each have? How long together? Can we fight these things? These dreaded diseases? We have no choice but, I will love you every step of the way, Jim, and will watch it all unfold before us. Come what may, I will be there for you, my love. Always! I know it sounds like a cliché, but we have to be hopeful and we have to have faith. There is so much new research and new treatments. So much new knowledge. In the meantime, we will be doing everything we can think of, with everything that comes our way. And we will love each other for as long as we have together. I am landing in Munich now. Right next to Dachau. It always amazes me what a short time ago, such horrific things were happening right in front of everyone. Close your eyes and pretend you see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing. I have seen the past and it showed me the future and the future, if we ignore the past, doesn't work.