I want to scream.

 I got my diagnosis today. I am not dead yet but I have FUCKING CANCER! And I want to scream to everyone in the world: "I HAVE FUCKING CANCER! I am SCARED, BEWILDERED, PISSED OFF! I, who am a model for health and fitness and balanced life. Healthy balanced living is my motto for everything I do. My entire  business is based all on those principals and suddenly, all my convictions and beliefs get crumbled up in ONE BIG SHITTY PILE OF DUST! 

What do I do with my life from here on? Where do I go? What do I do? Hell, I don’t know!

But life, for now, goes on. We get back from our morning walk and after breakfast, Jim and I start sweeping the floor. He, outside on the deck, I inside in the kitchen. Angry strokes, banging the broom off all the edges. It’s like we are both trying to sweep all this shit out of our lives. I make pretty little piles and then the dog runs in and messes it all up. How many times can I sweep all this mess up?

How courageous am I now, staring at death?