Bad HAIR day
Yes, losing my hair was a big deal but I downplayed it. And part of me was really curious what I'd look like with really short hair or none at all. Come on, when was the last time you saw yourself with no hair. I mean no hair anywhere! No pubic hair, smooth hairless legs, no armpit hair and bald like a cucumber. I was born with more hair! You save a lot of time in the shower and a lot of money on razor blades.
My hair started falling out soon after I received the second chemo. We had a family dinner for Mateja's birthday. Since we were all together, I got an idea to have all kids participate in shaving of my head. Let's make it a party! And so we did. Brett went to get his hair clippers and we set up a stage out on the deck. Tequila shots all around my friends. Bring it on!
A couple of weeks later when my buzzed hair started to look patchy, my friend Doug Reed shaved my head completely and he allowed me to shave his head. What a sport! Getting my head shaved was kind of religious experience. Cleansing, stripped down to nothingness and in a way deeply liberating. No attachments. I think it's the closest I'll ever come to feeling and looking like a Buddhist monk. When my friend and college roommate Juta lost her hair due to chemo almost exactly a year prior, I wanted to shave my head out of solidarity but I was too much of a coward. I was also quickly talked out of it by my husband.
I embraced my baldness and wore it proudly. I could never get into wearing a wig. It looked much better on my husband!
“I have been stripped down to no hair,
not even pubic hair
I look like an alien,
A true alien from a different world not just from a different country
I have been stripped of
houses
investments
security
trust
but I’ve never been stripped of
LOVE
I have that
I know it and I am grateful for it
I am lucky
yet
I’ve also earned it
I’ve loved deeply and with passion
often naively
so I’ve been burned
But it’s all coming back to me
so much LOVE all around me
I can go in peace, I will be ready when it comes
But somehow
something
tells me I am not quite ready yet
”
